Wanted - Grumpy Old Men

I have spent a great deal of the, very long, Christmas and New Year period being regularly informed that I am a grumpy old man, by my wife, my mother and my various nieces (Notice - all women!). So, accepting this as my lot, I have decided to take a very positive approach and set up a National Association of Grumpy Old Men (NAGOM). Today, I am soliciting for members. The rules are very simple:

1. As age is relative, physical old age is not a requisite, only being old in the head is necessary.

2. You must prefer the company of dogs and cats to humans - they don't argue back, their needs are very simple, they don't know how to use a credit card.

3. Give up the desire to go places, you will only want to carry on going. Make the journey in your head, listen to the silence.

4. Most of what you say should not make sense, it didn't before so why should it now?

Once the Association is up and running we can do all sorts of things like not have meetings, organise events and then not turn up, compare notes on Neil Young's back catalogue (I am hoping he will become our President), take long silent, lonesome walks on empty beaches, eschew bars, pubs, restaurants and all other places of social gathering where you might have to talk to people.

Membership is free, there are no forms, no need to contact, just get it together on your own, take the dog for a walk, sing to the wind, read obscure John Cowper Powys novels (the new biography by Morine Krissdottir is quite special), get angry at inanity, injustice and sheer dribble, hate the concept of celebrity. That's a few things to be getting on with, invent your own grumpy manifestations, it's exhilirating and keeps old minds active.